Where I Belong
by RinkRat
Summary: Sometimes in order to find yourself, you need to step back from your life. Sometimes in order to find your love, you need to step back from your friends.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Genre: Angst and hopefully eventually shipperiness.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I simply make them dance to my tune. When I'm done I will return them to the rightful owners DP Bellisario and CBS.

Harm pulled his overcoat closer as he sat on the park bench watching the people around him. It was unseasonably cold for an early December morning in Washington, but Harm didn't mind the cold weather. In fact, the overcast sky and chill wind matched his mood perfectly. With a deep sigh he tried to wrest his thoughts away from Maddie leaving, and how close it was to another Christmas, alone. He was the one who forced Maddie to reconcile with her father, he was the reason they were able to give it another shot. Her leaving to return to her father lay solely with him. But it really was for the best; he just didn't expect it to feel like a part of him was missing. Sure, he'd see her on weekends, and most holidays, but it wasn't the same. With a slow shake of his head Harm stood up from the bench and turned his collar up against the wind. With a slow, measured pace he began to wander through the park, trying not to let his attention fix on the people around him; everywhere he looked lately all he saw were couples. Old couples at the end of a good life together, new couples starting down that sometimes rocky road. He hated that he felt as if everyone in the world had someone except him.

The shrill chirp of his cell phone shattered his morose thoughts. "Should have turned it off," he muttered as he flipped it open. "Rabb."

"Harm? It's Mac. Where are you? Staff briefing started ten minutes ago and the General is about to blow a gasket if you don't get in here, pronto," the voice of his sometimes partner came over the line in a hurried hush.

"Yeah. Look Mac, let me handle the General. If he asks, tell him I'm sick and I'll be in later."

"Harm? What's wrong?" Mac asked, instantly knowing that something was up with her friend. He may be the last one in the office usually, but he would never skip out on a staff meeting.

"Like I said Mac, I'm not feeling that great. I'll be in the office in a bit," Harm answered with barely masked exasperation.

"Harm is it Maddie?"

"Good bye Mac," Harm decided it was best just to end the conversation and flipped his phone shut. Making sure that it was shut off this time he shoved the device back into his overcoat pocket and continued his slow walk.

Sometime between the early hours of the previous night and when he woke up that morning Harm had made a decision. He wasn't sure if it was a dream or not, but the words his grandmother had given him so long ago had rung loud and clear in his mind. And they still echoed there, reinforcing the decision he'd made.

Turning suddenly he strode crisply back towards his car, his step sure and his shoulders squared. He knew what he had to do, he knew what was best for everyone. And after all, did it really matter what he wanted? His mother had raised him as a gentleman, and didn't a gentleman put the needs of others before his own desires?

"Commander Rabb you had better have a damned good reason for being this late this morning!" General Creswell thundered. When his subordinate simply stood before his desk ramrod straight with his eyes fixed on a point on the wall behind him, the General moved out from behind his desk. "Well mister? What was it this time? Helping a little old lady cross the street? Damn it Rabb, I have had it up to here with you and your antics."

"Then perhaps this will help, sir." Harm spoke for the first time since entering the General's office. Shifting his eyes from the wall to look at his superior officer Harm held out the folder he had brought into the office with him.

"What the hell is this?" Creswell barked as he opened the folder and looked at the letter inside. "A request for terminal leave? Do not make the mistake to believe me to be Admiral Chegwidden! There will be no eleventh hour reprieves for you this time Rabb, no sudden TADs to the CIA. I sign off on this and you're gone, do you understand me mister?"

"I realize that, and respect that, sir," Harm answered crisply as his eyes returned to the point on the wall he had been staring at.

"What the hell brought this about Rabb? You're too damn close to your twenty, why are you resigning your commission?" When Harm didn't reply General Creswell sighed and moved to retake the seat behind his desk. How the hell did Chegwidden deal with this pilot turned lawyer turned spy turned lawyer? "Well?"

"Personal reasons, sir." Harm answered stiffly.

"Personal reasons?"

"Personal reasons, sir."

"Do these 'personal reasons' have to do with anyone in this office?" Creswell asked shrewdly. He'd bet Rabb and Mackenzie had been in another dust up.

"Not directly, sir. Honestly, my grandmother is getting on in age, and needs someone to help her out around the farm. I guess you could say it was a family obligation, sir."

'Not directly my ass' Creswell thought. "Couldn't you just hire someone Rabb? A farmhand or handyman or something?"

"I could sir, but well…" Harm paused.

"Well what? Spit it out mister!"

"Sir, have you ever had the feeling you're doing more harm to those around you than good? That maybe it was time that you moved on? That you're supposed to be somewhere else?"

"Ran away you mean? Whatever; I don't have time for this Rabb. Request approved. COATES!"

"Yes General?" Petty Officer First Class Jennifer Coates answered immediately as she stepped through the General's doorway.

"Process this request ASAP" Creswell ordered as he scrawled his approval at the bottom of Harm's letter and handed it to his yeoman.

"Request, sir?" Coates asked with confusion, darting a glance over at Harm as he stood at attention.

"Yes Petty Officer, a request. I have approved it, you are to forward it to BEUPERS in today's mail bag. When they receive it a clerk will process it. Would you like me to show you how to put a request letter into the mail bag?"

"Ah, that won't be necessary, sir. Aye, aye, sir" Coates said crisply coming to attention.

"That will be all Commander Rabb" Creswell dismissed the lawyer.

"Thank you, sir. I can honestly say it has been…interesting sir" Harm offered as he held out his hand.

"Get out of my office you coward" Creswell growled without looking up from the stack of paperwork he was focused on. "Clean out your desk and consider yourself on leave until your terminal leave orders are cut."

Stiffening at being called a coward Harm clamped his jaw shut before he had the chance to say anything that would get him called up on charges before his request for terminal leave was processed. Rigidly he turned and strode from the General's office and proceeded across the bullpen studiously ignoring the looks Petty Officer Coates was shooting him.

Quietly he looked around his office and thought how fortunate it was that he hadn't unpacked most of the boxes since trading offices with Sturgis. Reverently he placed his yellow Steerman model on top of the box that held most of his personal belongings. He'd have to come back for the rest of his belongings; he could arrange that with Coates before he left. A hesitant knock on the door brought his attention from his thoughts. Looking over his shoulder he saw the General's yeoman standing hesitantly in his doorway with tears in her eyes.

"Jennifer? Are you alright?" Harm asked in concern, guiding the young woman to one of his visitor's chairs.

"How can you ask that, sir?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're leaving!" Coates blurted as the tears began to fall softly.

"Yeah, yeah I am" Harm answered sadly as he brushed her tears away.

"Is it because of me sir? Because of Pia? Because I'm moving?"

"No Jen, it's not because of you. In fact you're one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did" Harm said softly.

"Then why, sir?"

"Jen, I just resigned my commission, don't you think we can dispense with the sirs?" Harm said wryly and then looked up at the sound of a stack of papers hitting the floor. "Commander."

"Sir?" Lieutenant Commander Bud Roberts said with shock evident upon his face.

"Come on in Bud. Close the door behind you."

"Ah, I don't want to intrude sir…" Bud started to say flustered.

"Nonsense, Bud. You were going to find out soon enough anyway."

"That you resigned your commission sir?"

"Where is Petty Officer COATES!" the General's voice boomed out over the bull pen.

"Well, that's your cue Jen" Harm said wryly. Pulling a tissue from the box on his desk he handed it to the young woman. "Let's wipe those tears away and I'll see you when you get home tonight. We'll talk then."

With a silent nod Jen stood up and left Harm's office with a hesitant step.

"Why sir?" Bud asked quietly as they watched Jen make her way over to her desk and apologize to the General. Bud just didn't understand; Harm had left twice before, but once was for flying and once was for the Colonel; the two things he loved more than anything.

"Because it's time Bud" Harm answered thoughtfully as he stooped to pick up the box with the yellow bi plane on top. Stopping beside the younger man Harm took a moment to squeeze his friend's shoulder. "I'll stop by to see you and Harriet and the boys this weekend Bud. Before I go."

"Where are you going sir? Aren't you going to wait for the Colonel to get out of court? What about Commander Turner, sir? Sir? Harm? Where are you going?"

"To find where I belong, Bud" Harm whispered to himself as he left the JAG office without looking back. If he would have looked back he would have seen a very confused Marine Lieutenant Colonel standing outside one of the courtrooms watching his retreating back.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The sound of a hesitant knock at his door caused Harm to slowly lift his forehead from the cool glass of his window where he'd been watching the early evening snow fall continue. The cold weather of that morning had turned into something of a winter nightmare, and it looked like by morning Washington would be under a heavy blanket of the white stuff.

Grabbing the mug he'd left on the coffee table, Harm took a long sip of his now cool, mulled wine, on his way to the door. On a normal day he could have told who it was by the knock, but on a day like today, all bets were off. It could be anyone from his young neighbor to his mother.

Opening the door, he found his young neighbor standing there still wearing her snow dusted uniform overcoat.

"Jen," Harm greeted her warmly.

"You said we'd talk," Jen blurted out as she pushed past Harm to stand inside his apartment looking everywhere but at him.

"Can I get your coat? Would you like some wine? I can heat some up for you if you want," Harm offered, closing the door.

As Harm helped Jen take her coat off, he noticed the glistening moisture gathering in her eyes again. "Hey, none of that now," he said softly, hanging her coat up on a hook next to the door.

"I just don't understand, sir," Jen whispered. "None of us do."

"Come on, let's sit down. It'll be more comfortable than having this conversation standing here," Harm smiled, as he led Jen towards the couch. "Now then, I suppose you've got a few questions."

Settling herself on the couch facing her neighbor/friend/savior, Jen blinked back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her. "Why, sir?"

"No more 'sirs', Jen. Even though it's not official yet, we can go with 'Harm'," Harm chuckled with a quick thought as to whether he'd be able to break his friends of the habit of calling him sir now. Biting his bottom lip he thought for a minute, trying to figure out how best to explain it to the young Petty Officer. "Jen, I honestly don't think I could tell you why, at least not fully."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated," Harm said with a bitter little laugh. Looking at his young friend he sighed and thought of the question he'd asked the General earlier.

"Jen, have you ever thought that you were doing more harm than good to those around you? That maybe, where you were wasn't where you were supposed to be?"

"Every day of my life until I met you, sir," Jen answered after a moment's thought. "I wasn't doing any good to the people around me; in fact, they were just marks a lot of the time; you know, people I could run my next scam on. I never felt like I fit in, nothing ever felt right, until you helped me turn my life around. But what does that have to do with you, si…Harm?"

Harm stood up with a sigh and walked over to the window to once more look out at the falling snow. "Because that's how I feel, Jen."

"How can you say that, sir? How can you feel like you don't belong at JAG anymore?" Jen was shocked and horrified.

"Jen, you know as well as I do that military personnel should never get too comfortable with their billets. They could get called away at any time, transferred anywhere in the world."

"But you're not transferring sir, you're…you're leaving us, Harm," Jen unsuccessfully tried to keep the catch out of her voice. "Is it because of Mattie?"

"I'd be lying if I said that didn't help influence my decision," Harm said thoughtfully. "She helped me in more ways than I helped her, I think. And part of that was her helping me put my life into perspective."

"What do you mean?"

Turning away from the window Harm looked at Jen pensively. "Jen, you're a beautiful young woman. Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"Of course si…Harm."

"Never settle, but when the time comes, grab hold of your dreams and make them your own."

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I have recently come to realize that of all my dreams, I grabbed onto the ones that were fleeting in nature; the ones that I should have chased down, I gave up on too easily. Much too easily."

"You're talking about the Colonel aren't you?" Jen gasped.

Harm slowly finished off his mulled wine, buying himself time to think about how he wanted to answer that question. It was, in actuality, a question he had been asking himself all afternoon. How much of this had to do with Mac? Was he really giving up on a chance for them? Was there anything to give up on? She had said never, even though they'd made strides, even though she'd told Webb where to stick his secrets and lies, there was just something…missing. Something was gone from their relationship, and for the life of him he couldn't figure out what it was, or how to get it back.

"Sir?" Jen asked after Harm had been deadly quiet for three minutes without answering her question. "Harm?"

"That's a tough one Jen. After nine years Mac has become…entwined in my life. Everywhere I look she's there, but not in the way I want her to be. Maybe…oh hell, I don't know. Maybe I just need to take a step back, to gain some perspective."

"But Harm…we all thought things were going better between you two."

With a twisted little ghost of a smile Harm chuckled wryly. "It always is Jen. It gets better, then it gets worse, until we're taking petty shots at each other to prove that even when we hurt each other, we can dish it back out. That's not the kind of relationship I want with her, Jen."

"Do you love her, Harm?" Jen asked softly.

"Enough to walk away from her," Harm whispered harshly.

"How is that loving her? Have you told her? What is walking away going to solve?"

"Jen, please, just trust me. I saw how happy she was with Webb. She deserves to be happy; more than anyone Sarah Mackenzie deserves to be happy." Harm whispered with fierce conviction. "And if I can't give that to her, and apparently I can't, then it is selfish of me to stand in the way of her finding someone that will give her happiness. I want her to be happy Jen."

"But does that mean you have to leave the Navy, leave JAG?" Jen jumped up and started pacing. "Are you at least staying in DC, sir?"

"Yes, Jen. It does mean that I have to leave JAG. What other billets are there for me? I'll never make Captain, there aren't many options left for me. I think it's best for everyone if I just gracefully faded away. And for the time being, I think it would be best if I wasn't in town; besides, there are things I need to do, obligations I have too long ignored."

"But.." Jen started, but was stopped by Harm placing a hand on her shoulder.

"No buts Jennifer. I'm sorry, but it's how I feel things need to be, for now at least."

"I don't have to like it, sir," Jen's eyes hardened as she set her shoulders. She would accept his wishes, but there was nothing that would make her like them.

"I never said you had to. Now I have a favor to ask of you."

"Anything Harm."

"Well, it's of you and Harriet, when you talk to her, no parties. I don't want a going away party where everyone can come and tell me how much they'll miss me. Fading away is best done quietly."

"But…"

"No buts, Jen. No buts. I don't need to hear how much you'll miss me; I know how much I'll miss you and the others. That's all I need, that and the memories I have."

"Alright," Jen agreed grudgingly. "But you get to explain to Harriet when she comes looking for you. I still don't understand why you need to leave though. I mean, I get leaving JAG…it must be hard seeing the Colonel everyday. I get that. But why do you need to leave town completely?"

Turning back to the window Harm stared out at the solid curtain of white that was now falling like frozen tears from heaven. "To find out where I belong, Jen. I don't know the answer to that anymore," he whispered softly, unsure if she heard him or not.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N First off, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. A couple factors contributed to that; mainly writing this scene between Harm and Mac was a tough balancing act.

Chapter 3

Restlessly, Harm stood up from where he'd been sitting on the steps down the hall from Mac's apartment. After his discussion with Jennifer, he'd been consumed with the need to see Mac one more time before he left, to talk to her, and maybe, just maybe, explain why he needed to do what he was doing.

Unfortunately, when he'd tried calling her there was no answer at home or on her cell phone. He'd left messages on both lines and realized that perhaps she didn't want to see him, that she couldn't say goodbye this last time.

Throwing caution to the wind, he got into his SUV and drove over to her apartment only to find that she wasn't home. With a quick glance at his watch he was startled to see that he'd been sitting on the steps in the stairwell for forty five minutes. Consciously, he had to resist the urge to get up and go knock on her door again, and instead promised himself that if she didn't show up in fifteen minutes he'd let himself in using his spare key and leave her a note, with the key, asking to call him.

Slowly, he pulled out his wallet and removed the key from where it had sat for years wearing a small key shaped embossing into the worn leather. With a little smile he thought back on the days when Mac and he had exchanged spare keys; such a simple act, yet one of such trust. If he was to be honest with himself he hadn't even thought of using her key in years; for some reason he wasn't sure the trust was still there, and had actually found himself thinking about returning it more than once.

With a final glance at his watch to assure himself that the self-appointed fifteen minute deadline had indeed passed, Harm closed his fist on the key and slowly stood to use it one last time. As he was moving out into the hallway he heard the sounds of shoes on the stairs coming up from below. With a slow shake of his head he couldn't help but smile. He would know the sound of her walk anywhere. Slowly he wandered down the hall to stand outside her door and wait for her to finish climbing the stairs.

He heard her coming up the last of the stairs and then the muffled tread of her steps upon the carpeting in the hall behind him. He heard her steps shudder to a stop when she looked up at saw him. Slowly, he turned around to face her and saw every question she had flash through her eyes, questions he wasn't sure he'd be able to provide answers to.

"Well that would explain why you weren't answering your door," she finally said stiffly in her soft, rich voice.

"I had to see you, to talk to you," Harm answered quietly. "I didn't know you were going to my place. I tried to call. Mac…"

"Harm, do you really want to do this in the hallway?"

"No, I suppose not," Harm admitted with a small shrug.

Silently he waited for her to unlock the apartment and lead him inside. Once in the apartment they both studiously avoided talking for what seemed like hours until finally they could neither one of them bear the silence anymore. From where he was standing in front of the fireplace gazing at the pictures on the mantle, Harm turned and looked at the woman who was sitting rigidly on the couch, waiting for him to begin. Opening his mouth, he tried to form the words he had been practicing over and over for the last hour, only to find they had all fled before the winds of his emotions. Closing his mouth slowly Harm closed his eyes and sighed deeply before quickly turning to gaze at the fireplace, an apparently safer focal point for the moment.

"Were you going to send me a postcard?" Mac asked quietly, her heart in her voice.

"Oh Mac, I was going… I am going to tell you, I'm just not sure I have the words," Harm stated softly after a moment, locking his eyes back on the pictures of their past together. When Mac didn't answer right away he gradually turned around to look at her. "I'm guessing you're wondering why."

Releasing the lungful of air that she'd held in, Mac shook her head. "I think I can answer why for myself, Harm."

Chewing on his lower lip, Harm walked over and sat down on the couch across from her. "I'm not sure you can, hell, I'm not sure I can. It's…"

"Complicated," Mac finished. With a bitter twist she added, "Isn't it always?"

"Not like this, Mac. Nothing is ever more complicated than it is when it comes to you." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Harm realised he should have chosen his words more wisely.

"Is that a fact?" Mac had been struggling not to let herself break down this time, but her anger at the words she'd just heard, washed away the tears she'd been holding in. "Well, pardon me for complicating your life."

"I didn't mean it like that Mac, you know that. I like how you complicate my life, well most of the time," Harm flashed a smile, hoping to prevent the damage he knew his comment could cause.

"Then why Harm? Why are you leaving? Why give up your career? Just…why?" Mac struggled to keep the plaintive note from her voice, but as much as she hated to admit it, she knew she was at the breaking point.

"The best answer I can give you is because I don't know where I belong anymore, Mac. I thought I did, but as each day goes by I become less and less sure that I know anything," Harm admitted with another deep sigh. "Because you deserve to be happy."

"And you think by leaving, you're going to make me happy? What kind of twisted, screwed up Rabb logic is that?"

Closing his eyes for a moment, Harm stepped away from the fireplace, only to begin pacing the apartment like a trapped wildcat. "The kind born from the hardest decision I've ever had to make, Mac. Do you think it was easy for me? To decide to chuck it all away again? Do you know how hard it was admitting to myself that you were better off without me? Facing up to the fact that it was because of me you're not happy? That it was my fault you never laugh anymore?"

"Better off? Your fault? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look, Mac. For the better part of a decade we've been locked in this…orbit of each other. We can't take a step closer, and neither one of us is willing to take a step back. But you did something I've been unable to do Mac, you tried to break away, you tried to be with Webb. I know it didn't work out, and for that I can't tell you how sorry I am, but the fact is you tried. At first I didn't understand why, I let my own feelings blind me to why you would try. But I see now Mac, I understand now."

"You understand now? Did you fall out of a chair again? Seriously Harm, what are you babbling about? You want me to be with Webb?" Mac didn't even try to hide her confusion. Even though she'd meant it as a joke, suddenly she was very concerned that Harm had hit his head again.

"With Webb?" Harm laughed bitterly. "As tough as it is to admit it, if he makes you happy, Mac, then yes. If he makes you smile, if he makes you laugh, then yes. If not him, then you deserve a chance to find someone who does."

Suddenly, Harm stopped his pacing and before Mac could respond he was moving towards the door. "Look Mac, I'm sorry, but I can't be here right now, I just can't do…this. I have to do leave Mac, please try to understand. Right now, right now you're the only one who can stop me from leaving, but I need to. I need to get away, to find myself again," he babbled as he grabbed his jacket. "Look, I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I'll let you know when I get there."

And with that he was through the door, moving as quickly as he could without running to the stairwell. He hated himself for being weak, for being selfish. As the stairwell door closed behind him, he stopped and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes again. He could feel the tears that raged against his eyelids screaming to be let free, but he fought against them, trying to keep them contained. With a shuddering breath, he opened his eyes and pushed away from the wall, his resolve firmly back in place. She might not see it right now, but his leaving was what was best for her, of that Harm was completely sure.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I don't do song fics, but I've been dying to use this song in a fanfic, so here it is. The song is _The Sky Is Crying_ by Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble. In my opinion they should have used this one instead of _Empty Arms_ last season (even though _Empty Arms_ worked very well too).

A/N 2: If you're wondering how many parts there are, so am I. ;-)

_From Chapter 3_

_And with that he was through the door, moving as quickly as he could without running to the stairwell. He hated himself for being weak, for being selfish. As the stairwell door closed behind him, he stopped and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes again. He could feel the tears that raged against his eyelids screaming to be let free, but he fought against them, trying to keep them contained. With a shuddering breath, he opened his eyes and pushed away from the wall, his resolve firmly back in place. She might not see it right now, but his leaving was what was best for her, of that Harm was completely sure. _

Chapter 4

_"Will you always be there?"_

The words echoed over and over in Harm's head as he packed everything in his apartment into cardboard boxes. Tomorrow he would place all his belongings into storage, and then hit the road.

_"Will you always be there for me?"_

_"Yes."_

Harm was proud of the fact that he had never broken a promise in his years as an adult, but could he keep this one? Was the price of standing by her side, always just out of reach, too high? With a sigh, Harm reached over to where his bottle of beer sat and took a short pull, making a face as the now-warm, bitter liquid slid its way down his throat.

"Well, that's apt," he muttered to himself. After all, everything else tasted bitter now, why shouldn't his beer? Heaving a sigh, Harm tipped the bottle, and finished off the rest of the beer. He knew what he was doing was right; it had to be. He couldn't believe he'd leave Mac for anything but the right reason. And really, wasn't that what he was doing when you got right down to it? Leaving Mac? Sure, he was leaving JAG, and Bud, and Harriet, and the boys, and the unborn twins. But at the root of it all was one brown eyed, brunette Marine Lieutenant Colonel who had stolen his heart when he wasn't watching.

Looking around Harm suddenly wished he hadn't packed up his stereo and CDs already, it just seemed like the perfect moment for something out of his blues collection. As his eyes scanned over the boxes remaining to be filled and taped shut, he spotted his guitar leaning up against the wall.

The next thing Harm knew he'd moved through the piles of boxes to pick up the guitar and had started to strum one of his favourite Stevie Ray Vaughn songs. He hadn't heard the song in forever, since he was a crop duster in fact, but the song just spoke to him on so many levels, and he knew he'd never get it out of his head.  
_  
The sky is crying  
Can't you see the tears roll down the street?  
The sky is crying  
Can't you see the tears roll down the street?_

_I've been looking for my baby  
And I wonder, where can she be?_

_I saw my baby early one morning.  
She was walking on down the street.  
I saw my baby early this morning  
She was walking on down the street._

_You know how to hurt me, hurt me so bad.  
Made my poor heart skip a beat._

_I got a real, real real, real bad feeling  
That my baby, she don't love me no more.  
I got a real, real bad feeling,  
That my baby don't love me no more._

_You know the sky, the sky been crying, yeah.  
Can't you see the tears roll down my nose?  
_  
As his hand slowly left the strings and the last notes of the song echoed throughout the apartment he heard a familiar clearing of a throat. Without looking up he knew who it was, knew why he'd come.

"AJ, come on in," Harm said softly, the music still running through him. "There's warm beer by the fridge."

Without a word Harm's ex-CO closed the door and moved over to open one of the 'warm beers'. Only after he'd taken a long, thoughtful hit of the amber liquid did he look up at his one time protégé. "I've always thought that was a beautiful song, but you know, she's not the one leaving."

"Figured you would have heard by now," Harm slowly unwrapped his hands from the instrument and placed it back against the wall. "Honestly, I thought you would have made an appearance earlier."

Frowning, AJ took another swallow of his beer and then slowly shook his head. "Didn't think it was true. Not even you would be stupid enough to try and leave the Navy again. But, looks to me like I was wrong. That, or you had a sudden urge to donate everything you own to Goodwill."

For a minute Harm just sat there looking at the older man, and then, he simply couldn't hold the low chuckle inside any more. "Damn it AJ, that's the first time I've laughed all week."

"Good, you looked like you needed it. Now you want to tell me what this idiocy is all about?"

Ruefully, Harm shrugged one shoulder. "Same story, new chapter AJ."

"Mac?"

"Isn't it always?"

"I thought you two were finally making some progress, at least that's what you said the last time we spoke."

"I thought we were too. But you know AJ, I just realized all I was doing was holding her back."

AJ reflected on Harm's words a moment. "How so?" Sometimes he just wanted to take the two of them and smack their heads together, but for now, he was willing to hear Harm out.

"She was happy with Webb, AJ. I know it wasn't perfect, and he did lie to her, but he gave her a reason to smile," Harm laughed bitterly. "Do you know how long it's been since I've given her a reason to smile? Mac, more than anyone I know, deserves to be with someone that makes her smile."

"What makes you think you can't be that person?"

"I haven't been yet. What if I never can be? What if by taking that chance I prevent Mac from having the real thing? I can't do that to her AJ…I just can't. So, I'm leaving."

"You're leaving, and you think that's going to make Mac happy?"

" She said pretty much the same thing. But you know what they say AJ; if you love someone, set them free. She's free."

"There's a second part to that saying son. 'If they come back they love you too.' Are you ready for her to come after you? Because you know she will."

"I don't think she will, not this time," Harm admitted with a catch in his voice. Part of him wanted her to come after him, part of him just wanted her to forget him so she could be happy.

Finishing his beer AJ stood up and looked around the bare apartment. "Need a hand with anything?"

"No, thank you though, AJ. I just need to finish packing up the rest of this stuff and then it's all going to the storage facility tomorrow."

"Where are you going to be heading?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure, sir. Just need to get out of town for awhile, to give her some time to find someone. To try and figure out how I'm going to get on without her," Harm answered slowly. "I guess I'm going to start by heading out to the farm. There's always stuff I can do out there."

AJ was silent as he stopped at the door and then turned around to look at the younger man. "Harm, don't take this the wrong way because I understand what you're saying, and I have to admit in some convoluted sort of way it makes some sense. But you're choosing to leave a lot of things behind you; a lot of people who care about you, care a great deal. Even though I know you can't seem to connect, I believe in my heart that Mac loves you as much as you love her, and that love isn't going to let her just watch you walk away. Don't be surprised when she comes after you looking for an accounting, and if she does son, take it for what it is. You let her go free, and she made the choice to find her way back to you."

Harm nodded without saying a word. What could he say?

As AJ opened the door, he paused before leaving to look back over his shoulder one more time. "If she hunts you down, son? Don't screw it up this time; for once you need to get it right."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry this one is so short, but was originally planned for chapter 5 alone has now been broken into 5 and 6.

Chapter 5

November had passed, and December had grown old since Harm left DC to stay with his grandmother. As he'd known would be the case, there was more than enough work to keep him occupied once he moved to the farm, but even exhausted and sore from a long day's work, Harm would fall into his bed to find his thoughts turned to one brown eyed Marine.

Just that afternoon he'd found himself with the phone in hand and his finger poised to dial her number.

"_Go ahead Harm, call her," his grandmother had said softly from the kitchen where she was wiping her hands on a hand towel as she watched her grandson struggle with himself._

_Slowly he returned the receiver to its cradle and shook his head. "I can't Grams. I don't have the right."_

"_She's still your friend, isn't she Harmon?"_

"_I can only hope," Harm answered truthfully._

"_Then, as her friend, you have all the right you need to call her. Lord knows you never found much time to call me," she added with a slow wink._

With a grunt, Harm tossed over in his bed as he remembered the conversation with his grandmother. Deep down he knew he wanted to, should in fact, call Mac. There was just something in him that he couldn't get past, something that was preventing him from dialing the number. Maybe she didn't want to talk to him after he left her, or as he'd begun to think of it, after he'd cut and run.

With a muttered curse Harm grabbed his watch off the night table and looked at the time. Three in the morning and it didn't look like sleep was anywhere to be found for him, tired as he was. Easing his aching body out of bed, he pulled on a pair of jogging pants, padded his way out to the kitchen, and turned on the coffee maker. Already it looked like it would be a six cup day, at least.

Three hours later the rising sun found Harm sitting on the veranda staring thoughtfully out into space. He just couldn't get his mind to settle down as it skipped from the jobs to do on the farm, to Mac, to the history they shared, to his mother and step dad, to what he was going to do now that he wasn't at JAG anymore.

"You're up early," Grams said from the front door.

"Couldn't sleep," Harm answered with a shrug.

"I still think you should call her."

Pausing to take a sip of his third cup of coffee, Harm smiled ruefully. "I was thinking of actually heading into DC today. I want to drop off some presents at the Roberts'. Maybe grab a late lunch with Strugis."

"Harmon Rabb, that still doesn't address the issue of talking to Sarah," Grams actually tapped her foot impatiently. Harm noticed that his grandmother never referred to her as 'Mac', it was always 'Sarah'.

"Grams, I just don't know if I should, let alone could. I left to give her space to find someone that makes her happy, someone who does for her what I obviously can't. Didn't you and mom teach me to value the needs of others?"

"Not at the expense of your own happiness, dear."

"Grams, if Mac's happy, then I'm happy," Harm said, the words sounding hollow in his own ears. He'd said those same words over and over to himself every day since he made the decision to leave JAG and DC. And every day they sounded weaker and weaker in the reaches of his soul.

"Harmon, I've watched you for a month and a half now, and even though it's been a long time since you've spent a good stretch out here, I know you dear, and you are most definitely _not_ happy. If you do go into DC today, this will be the first time you haven't worked yourself into your bed since you got here."

"There are a lot of things that need to be done Grams, and I want to do them for you," Harm protested weakly.

"And I appreciate that my boy," Grams said as she wrapped her arms around Harm's shoulders. "Now, are you going to go into DC or not?"

"I think so. I haven't seen the boys in months now, not to mention the twins are due soon. And I'd like to see Bud and Harriet and…" Harm fell silent as he thought about who else he would like to see. But could he? Did he have the right still? After he left her? "I'll head out after breakfast."

"And are you going to see Sarah?" Grams asked pointedly.

"I don't know Grams, I'll try."


End file.
